The Pope Must Die - oh, he already has

The planet's 4.12billion beings currently signed up to the bizarre cult known only to humans as Catholicism were today reeling from the news that their pointy-hat fashionista of a leader has disappeared. Actually, it's worse than that.

Far worse.

The Catholic Church has officially declared that the Pope does not exist and never did, except in the diseased minds of their forebears.

A seasoned observer of fanatical cults said: "That's quite enough salt, thank you very much, and go easy on the pepper."

When pushed on the matter, he added: "Hmmm... When will it end, hey? That doesn't exist, this doesn't exist. When will they see where this is leading, hey? And ENOUGH WITH THE SALT ALREADY, cockwad."

The latest declaration follows the shock news that Hell does not exist, except for Muslims, and neither does limbo, except on Club 18-30 holidays. The Vatican is now hawking the world's largest mobile popcorn-maker on Ebay.

But while the cult's prophylactic-starved pond-dwellers begin adjusting to 's disappearance, cardinals have been forced to call in the special police after a strange man going by the name Ratzinger appeared as if by magic in their midst. The white-haired Teuton caused consternation among the assorted paedophiles and hebophiles as he was overheard repeatedly chanting: "There is no holocaust, there is no holocaust."