Communal grieving part 3

The God-fearing Amish people face a fresh threat to their destabilised community. In the wake of the Nickel Mines massacre, the peaceful people - thought to number just 200,000 in the US - face annihilation by a new army, the News Media. Furious reporters, editors, cameramen, fluffers, hacks and grips have formed a powerful alliance determined to wipe the wilfully obstructive bearded ones from the planet once and for all.

Fronted by an Anglo-American leadership made up of Fox News anchorman Dirk Houndum and Sky News tsunami cleavage-bearer Fleur Tovertly, they are out to vengeance what they perceive as the most disgraceful affront to quality journalism since their last celebrity news bulletin.

"These people would not allow us into the funeral of those dead young girls," said Houndum, visibly straining at his leash. "How is the world supposed to function normally without access to the grief of strangers at the moment of their greatest devastation?

"Apparently, they don't even mourn the loss of these lives at their funerals, but celebrate them, while behaving in a stoic manner. What sort of freaks are they? If they really were humans, they would be screaming and wailing straight into camera for hours on end."

"Fuck 'em all, I say," he added.

The NMA has appointed Top Gear's celebrity crap driver Hamster "The Richard" Hammond as their official poster boy and frontman. Speaking from his hospital bed, he said: "Buergh. Aaarrghhh. TIMMY!"

Seconds later, Ms Tovertly ran screaming from the windows of one Nickel Mines home and said: "Oh my God! I've just taken the opportunity - is my shirt undone enough? - to peer through that window over there, while the family are at the funeral - what? undo one more button - and OH MY GOD, these barbarians do not even have HD plasma screen technology - push the bra up a bit? How's that? good - in fact THEY DON'T EVEN OWN A FUCKING TV!!!!!!! - tell you what, I'll just take the shirt off, yeah, it's the peephole bra.

"In this day and age, they have no right to exist. With no TV how can they join us in poring over every death of a stranger and forcing ourselves to feel a grief at someone else's loss that cannot possibly be genuine? I ask you, how? They must be wiped off the planet. Or sign up to the full Sky package."

It has since emerged that the Amish community leaders have requested that no book of condolence is opened for the five dead girls and that the world forgives their killer for his indiscretion.The Hamster, one of the few people to have survived multiple books of condolence, said: "Ach ach. Guuurghbubuh. Amish must DIE!!!"