Bertie Bassett’s Licorice All-Sports

PITCH #641 - A football pitch about Sir Alex Ferguson.

Howdy, sports fans. In little old Britain, they care a lot about sports.
And everyone, the world over, knows that above all, they have a passion for soccer.
Soccer, you know. It’s not the same as football. They use a round ball and don’t wear helmets or shoulder pads. Now, British soccer fans love successful soccer clubs. The really successful ones, like Manchester United, Arsenal United and Chelsea United. These are the teams with the most money and the best players, so they are loved by everyone in the country.
The smaller clubs don’t have any fans. Or at least, if they do, we haven’t heard of any.
So it would make sense for a company like ours, with all its non-relevance to sport, to look at a new market. Somewhere we can emulate our other sports/insurance successes, a bit like we did with football in the US. We can put ourselves about and really use the English love of soccer for our own gain. Not to mention the chance to get Rooney’s autograph.
We’ve had our money department on the case for two years and they’ve dug up some interesting facts. It turns out Chelsea United have some Commie billionaire pumping dollars into the club. We could do the same, in a kind of uneasy alliance. But I'm an 80s American man at heart, so I don’t think we should go for Chelsea United. Commie bastards.
Arsenal United have just splashed out a bunch of green on their new stadium and will be raking back the cash from the start of the 2006 season.
Which leaves Manchester United.
And, fortunately, our money investigators have found out something rather useful. The club, for all its success, is in a lot of debt. A lot of debt.
I felt I needed to say that twice, for emphasis.
We could, quite easily, cough up something in the region of £56m English pounds for a huge stake in this club. I know Murdoch pulled out, and you may well be thiniing he has as much money sense as us. But I’ve just got a feeling this will be a good move for the Glazers.
Manchester United have been selling club credit cards for a few years. Now, we can offer something a little bit more special for the fans. We can insure their £500 club shirts in case they spill brown sauce on them. Or pie.
So, I’d like to ask you for your expertise, and the backing of the board of GlazerDragons, for a £56m investment, in return for a 51% stake in our venture. I thank you, and if you’d like to ask any questions, I’d be more than happy to answer them.

Q: You say Manchester United are the prime choice for the GlazerCorp to pour in their dollars. What do we get in return?

A: Well, thanks for that question. The great thing about soccer is that no football teams, despite running like a business, advertise for fans. It’s an untapped market. You don’t get billboards screaming “Support Scunthorpe” or anything even remotely like that. The only way British soccer fans choose a club is either through blood loyalty, local loyalty, or gloryhunting.
Manchester United are a prime target for glory hunters due to their recent successes in the Soccer Championships in the UK.
We can capitalise on a market no other UK soccer team has cracked. We can start advertising Manchester United on the telly. The TV. The tube. The box.
Imagine, if you will, this: Our insurance company, AIG, can get a sponsorship deal with Manchester United because we own them. So, AIG will be emblazoned across the team’s soccer uniforms this season.
Problem is, many UK soccer fans don’t have a clue who AIG are, or what they do.
So, we put the letters AIG onto a football pitch. They kick the ball about for a bit, before slotting it home into the soccer net. It makes AIG look like soccer fans, and, hopefully, make soccer fans like AIG.
Then - bam! - we cut to scenes of Manchester United playing soccer. We can use grainy footage to give it that British nostalgia feel. To make people want to play in that soccer team.
Then, simply, and this is the real killer, we say: “AIG, sponsors of Manchester United soccer team”, with a link to our clever, doubled-headed website.
Of course, there’s fuck all link between insurance and soccer, but soccer fans won’t know this. Thinking they’re clicking online to get more info about their favourite soccer stars, they will instead be lead to our corporate website.
Here, they will be offered the chance to buy a Manchester United soccer shirt for £100, and then take our AIG insurance in case they spill brown sauce on it.
Before being able to leave the site, soccer fans will have to sign up for a lifetime of AIG insurance products, because if they don’t, they can’t be considered real soccer fans.After a couple of seasons at a debt-ridden, mismanaged club like Manchester United Soccer Club, we can move on to Fulham, Portsmouth, Wigan, Crystal Palace and Charlton. From there on in, we buy up seven UK soccer clubs every season, stick AIG on the front of their uniforms, and make them change their websites to include our company name.Then we move all the teams to the US, and start new teams in the UK. Names we’ve come up with so far include: Glazers United, Malcolm United, Bush United, Mississipi AllStar United and Complete and Utter Bollocks.For more on our final advert, please click